A series of three studies found that when people experience mixed and conflicted feelings about their partner, they spend more time thinking about the difficulties in the relationship and ways it can be improved. This leads them to engage in both constructive and destructive behaviors towards their partner. The research was published in Emotion.
There are certain things in life that people universally like or dislike. For example, people generally like puppies, which tend to elicit only positive feelings. Conversely, people dislike being ill, and thoughts of illness generally elicit negative emotions. When thinking about one’s romantic partner, the general expectation might be that this person would also elicit positive emotions and feelings of love.
However, romantic relationships can be more complex. Individuals often experience both positive and negative emotions towards their partners, depending on the aspect of the relationship or the partner’s behavior they are considering. This phenomenon is referred to as ambivalence.
Ambivalence in romantic relationships refers to mixed or contradictory feelings toward a partner, where an individual experiences both positive and negative emotions simultaneously. This might manifest as loving someone deeply but feeling uncertain or dissatisfied with certain aspects of the relationship. People in relationships characterized by high ambivalence often oscillate between wanting closeness and feeling the need for distance, leading to emotional instability. Ambivalence can stem from unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, or fear of commitment, making the relationship feel unpredictable.
Study author Guilika Zoppolat and her colleagues sought to explore how feelings of ambivalence towards a romantic partner are associated with both constructive and destructive thoughts about the relationship, as well as with constructive and destructive relationship behaviors. They conducted a series of three studies.
The first study aimed to determine whether people who experience more ambivalence towards their partner tend to report more constructive and destructive thoughts and behaviors towards them. The second study tested whether individuals report more constructive and destructive thoughts and behaviors on days when they feel more ambivalent. The third study, a 12-day daily diary study with couples, examined fluctuations in behavior across the days of the study and over six months.
The participants in the first study were 665 individuals in romantic relationships from various countries, drawn from a larger study of wellbeing and social relationships during the COVID-19 pandemic. They completed a survey assessing subjective ambivalence towards their partner (e.g., “In the past two weeks, to what extent did you have mixed feelings towards your partner?”), relationship thoughts (both constructive and destructive), and relationship behaviors (approach behaviors, e.g., “In the past two weeks, I wanted to enjoy my relationship and spend time with my partner,” and avoidance behaviors, e.g., “In the past two weeks, I wanted to avoid my relationship and/or avoid spending time with my partner”).
The second study involved 171 romantically involved young adults living in the Netherlands. Each evening, for 10 consecutive days, they completed a survey similar to the one used in the first study but focused on their experiences from that day.
The third study included 176 Dutch couples with an average age of 39 years. For 12 days, they completed a daily diary similar to the one used in the second study. Additionally, six months later, they completed follow-up surveys with similar assessments.
The results of the first study showed that individuals who felt more ambivalence about their partner tended to report more constructive thoughts (e.g., “Over the course of the pandemic, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on how I can improve my relationship”) and destructive thoughts (e.g., “Over the course of the pandemic, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the problems, difficulties, or differences of opinion in my relationship”).
They also tended to report more avoidance and fewer approach behaviors towards their partner. However, constructive thoughts were associated with more approach behaviors, and individuals who felt more ambivalence also tended to report more constructive thoughts.
The second study found that greater daily ambivalence was associated with more thinking about the relationship, both constructively and destructively. The researchers tested statistical models proposing that ambivalence leads to increased thinking in both directions—constructive thoughts leading to more constructive behaviors and destructive thoughts leading to more avoidance behaviors. The results suggested that this relationship between ambivalence, thoughts, and behaviors is possible.
The third study also showed that individuals feeling more ambivalence spent more time thinking about the relationship, both constructively and destructively. However, this time, statistical modeling suggested that destructive thoughts led to more destructive behaviors, but there was no clear link between constructive thoughts and constructive behaviors towards one’s partner.
“Our work indicates that ambivalence plays a complex role in people’s daily thoughts and behaviors, suggesting that people are not only managing competing evaluations but also competing thoughts and actions within their relationship. This insight is important because most people experience, or will experience, ambivalence at some point in their relationship—and certainly towards other important areas of life. Therefore, examining the dual nature of ambivalence in contexts where evaluations matter greatly is crucial for understanding the common experience of mixed and conflicting feelings in important life domains,” the study authors concluded.
The study sheds light on the complex effect ambivalence has on interpersonal relationships. However, it should be noted that the study relied solely on self-reports, leaving room for reporting bias to affect the results.
The paper, “It’s Complicated: The Good and Bad of Ambivalence in Romantic Relationships,” was authored by Guilika Zoppolat, Francesca Righetti, Mirna Đurić, Rhonda Nicole Balzarini, and Richard Slatcher.
