A new study provides a rare glimpse into the experiences of children growing up with polyamorous parents. The research, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, found that many of these children feel positively toward their parents’ romantic partners, viewing them as important adults in their lives.
Consensual non-monogamy, a relationship style in which individuals form romantic or sexual connections with multiple partners, is becoming more visible in mainstream culture. However, much of the existing research has focused on the perspectives of adults involved in these relationships. Little is known about how children in these families feel about their parents’ romantic partners, despite the fact that many polyamorous individuals have children. The researchers wanted to address this gap in knowledge.
“Studies show that about one in five people, both in Canada and the United States, have been involved in a polyamorous or open relationship in their lifetime, a proportion that is even higher among young adults today,” said study author Milaine Alarie, an affiliate professor at the Centre Urbanisation-Culture-Société at the Institut National de la Recherche Scientifique.
“While we know that many of polyamorous people have children, little research has focused on the experiences of children growing up in polyfamilies. Considering the stigma attached to polyamory as well as the lack of legal recognition and protection for multi-partner unions and multi-parent families, investigating these children’s experiences and perspectives is key to adjust social programs and policies, so that they represent and protect all families, in all their diversity.”
The study involved interviews with 18 children between the ages of 5 and 16, all of whom lived in Quebec, Canada, and had one or both parents involved in a polyamorous relationship. The researchers used a qualitative approach, employing semi-structured interviews and tools such as a three-field map to capture how children perceived their family and the various adults within it.
Each child was invited to place important people in their lives on the map, which was divided into three categories: “My family,” “My friends,” and “Other people.” The children could place individuals in different circles of closeness, such as “I like a lot,” “I like,” or “I like a little.”
The interviews were conducted via video calls, with no parents present to ensure children felt comfortable speaking openly. The researchers were particularly interested in the children’s emotional closeness to their parents’ romantic partners and what roles these adults played in their lives.
The study found that children generally held positive views of their parents’ romantic partners. Most children placed these adults in the “I like a lot” or “I like” circles, indicating varying degrees of emotional closeness. Younger children and pre-teens were more likely to feel closely attached to these partners than teenagers. The length of time the partner had been in the child’s life and the frequency of contact also seemed to influence how strongly the children felt about them.
The children described their parents’ romantic partners in several ways:
Fun Adults: Many younger children emphasized the fun they had with their parents’ partners, whether through playing games or engaging in enjoyable activities. This theme was common across various ages, with some children highlighting that their parents’ partners taught them new skills or shared hobbies with them.
Material Contributors: Some children noted that these adults contributed to their material well-being. For example, a few children mentioned gifts, access to cool amenities like swimming pools, or even pets that they enjoyed spending time with.
Caregivers: Many children viewed their parents’ partners as supportive figures who took care of them emotionally. Some children confided in their parents’ partners and appreciated having an extra adult they could rely on during difficult times.
Social Expanders: Children who had regular contact with their parents’ partners’ children often described these kids as new friends, highlighting how polyamorous relationships expanded their social circles. Birthday party invitations and playdates with these children were mentioned fondly.
For some older children, particularly teenagers, the emotional closeness with their parents’ partners was less pronounced. They tended to see these adults as more central to their parents’ happiness than to their own lives.
None of the children in the study expressed hostility toward their parents’ romantic partners or reported any conflict with them. However, one participant, a 16-year-old named Laura, initially felt upset and apprehensive when her mother revealed she was polyamorous. Over time, though, she came to terms with it, realizing that her protests wouldn’t change her mother’s decision. She emphasized that children need time to adapt to such changes.
“This study shows that children living in a polyamorous household usually think of their parents’ romantic partners as resource persons who care for them and support them, emotionally and materially,” Alarie told PsyPost. “This research echoes studies carried out with polyamorous parents who described their extra-dyadic romantic partners as helpful, loving and supportive not only for themselves but also for their children. In fact, there is well-documented evidence that access to quality social support from the extended family and loved ones has a direct positive impact on the parent-child relationship. As the old adage goes, it takes a village to raise a child.
“Parallels can be drawn between these children’s experiences and those of children living in other types of family configurations where more than two adults coexist in their family universe, like stepfamilies or multi-generational households. That said, we do know from research on stepfamilies that emotional closeness between children and their parents’ romantic partners is not automatic, and that some children may have difficulty adjusting to the presence of their parent’s new partner. As highlighted by some of the children in our study, when introducing a new romantic partner or planning to move-in with a romantic partner, polyamorous parents should take the time to discuss it with their children and give them time to adapt, to ensure a smooth transition.”
The researchers also observed that some children in the study had difficulty finding the right words to describe their family relationships and often used terms from stepfamily structures, like “stepdad,” to explain their family dynamics in ways others could understand. Some children felt uncomfortable using conventional terms that didn’t fully capture their polyamorous family structure, struggling to accurately express their family reality. Surprisingly, despite these language challenges, few children mentioned experiencing stigma related to their polyamorous families, a theme commonly raised by polyamorous parents.
“Having previously conducted research on the experiences of polyamorous parents, I knew that parents believed that their children received more attention, love, and support from adults they can trust, which they described as having a positive impact on the social, emotional and intellectual development of their children,” Alarie said. “I was curious to see if the children would be as enthusiastic about their parents’ romantic partners as the parents themselves described them to be. Our study confirms the children growing up in a polyamorous household often develop positive, meaningful relationships with their parents’ romantic partners.”
“We were surprised, however, that very few children talked about the stigma attached to poly-families, as this theme was common among polyamorous parents. Indeed, many parents fear that their children could be teased or ostracized because of their non-traditional relationship structure. More research is definitely needed to understand how children navigate societal mononormative expectations of appropriate family structures, when interacting with their peers, schoolteachers and other significant people in their lives.”
While this study provides important insights, it does have some limitations. One challenge is that the sample size was small, with only 18 children participating, and the majority of them were girls. Another limitation was the potential influence of social desirability bias. Children might have painted an overly positive picture of their family life, possibly due to concerns about how others might view their non-traditional family structure.
“As with any investigation, one cannot exclude the possibility of self-selection and social desirability biases,” Alarie noted. “It is possible that parents in well-functioning polyfamilies were more inclined to approach us about the study, or that some children tried to paint an overly positive image of their family, to protect their family from criticism.”
“The sample comprised mostly of White children, which may affect the transferability of our findings. Considering the way that racism affects cultural representations of morally acceptable sexuality and family structures, future research should explore, with a larger sample, the experiences of children of color growing up with polyamorous parents.”
Given these limitations, future research could focus on larger and more diverse samples, including families from different racial and ethnic backgrounds. Additionally, it would be interesting to compare the experiences of children in polyamorous families with those in other multi-parent households, such as stepfamilies or families created through adoption or surrogacy. These comparisons could help researchers better understand the unique and shared experiences faced by children in non-traditional family structures.
“Studying the experiences of children growing up with polyamorous parents is crucial to understand the reality of different types of families, and to create programs and social policies that serve the diverse needs of such families,” Alarie said. “Ultimately, I hope my research helps debunk some of the myths regarding polyfamilies and contributes to creating a social climate that is more accepting of family diversity.”
The study, “‘It’s someone who means a lot to me, and who means even more to mom’: Children’s views on the romantic partners of their polyamorous parents,” was authored by Milaine Alarie, Morag Bosom, and Isabel Côté.
