In a recent study published in the journal Sex Roles, researchers explored how women’s feelings of achievement and failure are influenced by their male partner’s orgasm during sexual encounters. The study revealed that women often perceive a man’s orgasm as an achievement of femininity, while the absence of a man’s orgasm can be seen as a failure of femininity, particularly for women who are more sensitive to traditional gender role expectations.
The motivation behind this study stems from a broader societal narrative that has long tied the quality of sex to the occurrence of orgasms for all involved. While these narratives promote mutual pleasure and equality in sexual experiences, they also create expectations that can lead to feelings of inadequacy or failure when these expectations are not met. This is especially true for women, who are often socialized to prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own.
Although previous research has focused on how men perceive their female partner’s orgasm as a validation of their masculinity, there has been little investigation into how women experience their male partner’s orgasm—or the lack thereof. Given the societal scripts that often portray men’s orgasms as almost inevitable and biologically driven, the researchers wanted to investigate whether women also experience men’s orgasms as a form of personal success or failure, and if so, how this aligns with traditional gender roles.
“Previous research from our lab demonstrated that men experience women’s orgasms as a ‘masculinity achievement’; we were curious about how women experience men’s orgasms,” explained study authors Sari van Anders (a professor at Queen’s University and Canada 150 Research Chair in Social Neuroendocrinology, Sexuality, & Gender/Sex) and Sara Chadwick (an assistant professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison).
“Given that men’s orgasms typically occur and are expected during heterosex (sex between men and women who understand themselves as engaging in heterosexual activity), it was not clear whether women would experience them as an achievement, though we did think that women might feel a sense of failure if men’s orgasms did not occur. It was also not entirely clear how gender might be tied to feelings of achievement and failure for women when it came to men partners’ orgasms, as achievements in sexual contexts are typical seen as masculine.”
The researchers designed a study involving 440 women who identified as being sexually attracted to men and had previous sexual experience with male partners. Participants were recruited online through social media platforms and were asked to complete a detailed survey.
The survey included a series of vignettes where participants were asked to imagine a sexual encounter with a male partner who either did or did not orgasm. (The male partner was described as someone who typically orgasms with previous partners.) After reading the vignettes, participants were asked to reflect on their feelings of achievement, failure, femininity, and masculinity in response to the imagined scenario. The survey also assessed participants’ levels of sexual assertiveness and their stress related to conforming to traditional feminine gender roles.
The researchers found that women who imagined that their male partner orgasmed during a sexual encounter reported higher feelings of achievement and a stronger sense of femininity compared to those who imagined that their partner did not orgasm. This suggests that for many women, successfully bringing a male partner to orgasm can feel like a validation of their femininity and sexual prowess.
On the other hand, when women imagined that their male partner did not orgasm, they reported feeling a greater sense of failure. This was particularly pronounced among women who reported higher levels of feminine gender role stress — those who are more sensitive to failing to meet traditional expectations of femininity.
“It was not entirely clear to us that men’s orgasm occurrence would elicit a sense of achievement for women given that men’s orgasms are typically expected and seen as something that results from men’s sexual skills and bodies,” van Anders and Chadwick told PsyPost. “But, we did find that women generally experienced a sense of achievement when they imagined that a man’s orgasm occurred versus when they imagined it did not occur.”
“Notably, we did find that women felt a greater sense of both femininity and masculinity when they imagined that men orgasmed, but the effect was significantly larger for femininity. Further, femininity, but not masculinity, explained women’s feelings of achievement and failure in response to men’s orgasm occurrence vs. non-occurrence. As such, we concluded that women experienced men’s orgasm occurrence as a femininity achievement and men’s orgasm absence as a femininity failure.”
The researchers also found that women with higher levels of sexual assertiveness felt more achievement when their male partner orgasmed and were more resilient against feelings of failure when he did not. This suggests that women who feel more empowered in their sexual agency may navigate these dynamics differently, potentially buffering against the negative emotions associated with a partner’s failure to orgasm.
Finally, women who attributed their partner’s orgasm (or lack thereof) to their own actions or sexual skills felt more intense feelings of achievement or failure depending on the outcome. This indicates that personal responsibility plays a significant role in how women experience their partner’s sexual satisfaction.
“The more that women attributed the sexual scenario to themselves, the greater feelings of achievement and failure they felt in response to the man’s orgasm occurrence and non-occurrence,” van Anders and Chadwick said. “Men’s orgasm occurrence versus non-occurrence did not elicit different feelings of achievement and failure among women who attributed the scenario primarily to the man’s sexual skills and body.”
The researchers also highlighted some important nuances, challenging the assumption of gender equality in how partner orgasms are experienced and exposing the potential risks of orgasm coercion, where the pressure to ensure a partner’s orgasm can result in harmful behaviors.
“Previous research of ours found that men experience women’s orgasms as a masculinity achievement, and so it may be tempting to conclude that women and men experience partner orgasms in a similar or ‘gender-equal’ way,” van Anders and Chadwick said. “But, this is not the case! Femininity and masculinity achievements do not have the same social connotations – masculinity in men tends to be more socially valued and celebrated than femininity in women – and this means that the implications for partner orgasm occurrence and non-occurrence are different.”
“For example, one difference we found between our research studies was that men who were higher in masculine gender role stress had a greater sense of achievement in response to women’s orgasm occurrence. But in our new study, feminine gender role stress among women was not tied to women’s sense of achievement in response to men’s orgasms. Greater feminine gender role stress did however, predict greater feelings of failure for women when men’s orgasm did not occur.”
“It is important that people do not automatically assume that the sense of gendered achievement associated with a partner’s orgasm is a good thing for themselves or their partners,” van Anders and Chadwick added. “Tying one’s own sense of accomplishment and self-esteem to a partner’s orgasm occurrence risks centering one’s own need for validation over the partner’s actual experience, and this could lead to worse sex.”
For example, in previous work, the researchers found that “some people are so focused on their own sense of accomplishment when it comes to a partner’s orgasm that they end up pressuring their partner to have orgasms in coercive ways,” the researchers explained. “And further research shows that coercive behaviors have negative impacts even if they are related to something seen as ‘positive,’ like trying to get a partner to orgasm.”
The study, while offering new insights into how women perceive men’s orgasms, does have some limitations. Firstly, the research relied on imagined scenarios rather than real-life experiences, which may not fully capture the complexities and emotional nuances of actual sexual encounters. Furthermore, the study did not account for other potentially influential factors, such as the specific sexual behaviors involved or the emotional context of the relationship, which could affect how orgasms are perceived.
“In future research, we hope to make comparisons between women’s and men’s experiences of partner orgasms to better understand how these might be different gendered experiences with different implications,” van Anders and Chadwick said. “For example, is the sense of achievement and failure experienced by women and men similar or different? How might feelings of achievement and failure motivate investments in a partner’s experiences of sexual pleasure, and how might these investments be expressed in positive or negative ways?”
The study, “Gendered Failures and Achievements in Women’s Experiences of Men’s Orgasms,” was authored by Sara B. Chadwick, Daniel Shuchat, Eun Ju Son, and Sari M. van Anders.
